A Lament for Mortality
by Hirundo
Summary: One evening Elrond thinks about his twin Elros, his foster-son Estel and the fate of all mortals.


**A ****Lament**** for ****Mortality **

_'All beauty must __die one day.'_

He wondered who had said it. Who had said those words that still made him feel despair and_... fear_? 

And then he remembered. He remembered the look in his brothers eyes, full of determination, when they met for the last time. He remembered how he himself had shouted, begged and demanded his brother to stay, to make a different choice, and how he had just smiled with an odd mixture of pity and grief.

"Elros..." The name escaped from his lips as a silent whisper. 

"_Mellon nin_? "

Elrond turned around and met the worried face of Glorfindel. His friend was standing by the doorway to the balcony where Elrond was leaning to the banister. Glorfindel took a step closer and continued:

"We where supposed to meet almost half an hour ago! Have you forgotten that the reports from the boarders are still unread and waiting?"

"Oh." That was the only thing Elrond was able to say at that moment. How could he have been so absent-minded? Had he really been so lost in his memories of his twin leaving him, taking a path where he wasn't able to follow...

"Elrond?" This time Glorfindel had to touch his shoulder before he remembered his friends presence. "For Valar's sake, what is the matter?"

"Nothing, _mellon nin_, nothing. I was just – lost in my thoughts."

"Really?" Glorfindel raised his brow, looking incredulous. "And would you care to tell me what thoughts were so distracting that you seemed to forget I was here?"

Elrond shook his head and turned again to look at the garden, which was beginning to fill with shadows as the evening grew darker and darker. He sighed and then said slowly:

"I don't want to be rude, but tonight I would appreciate solitude. I will look through the reports first thing tomorrow."

"As you wish", Glorfindel said and Elrond thought he could hear a slightly offended tone in his voice. "Until tomorrow then." He turned to leave.

"Please, _mellon nin_, wait." Elrond walked to Glorfindel who had stopped and turned back to him.

"Some pains I have to bare alone", Elrond said gently. "Try to understand. I cannot share this grief, not even with you."

Glorfindel's expression became softer and he nodded in silent comprehension, compassion evident in his eyes. 

"Very well. _Quel esta_, and try not to worry all night through."

"I'll try. _Hannon __lle_."

Glorfindel only smiled in response before walking away. Now Elrond was again alone in the growing dark and his thoughts flew back to where they had been before the interruption. Yes, it had been Elros who said those words, during their last conversation...

"_Do you understand what your choice means? Can't you see that this path will lead to your death? You will die, Elros! That's what mortality is all about! You will grow older and older and eventually you will -"_

"_Die. I know that, gwanor nin", Elros cut in calmly. "I am completely aware of the consequences of my choice, and still this is my decision. Try to understand, Elrond. I will not die as long there are my descendants living on this world. I will live in them, as no elf can. This is my gift to the race of Men."_

"_Your sacrifice, you mean?" Elrond said, unable to stop his voice from trembling. "You can't do this, gwanor! You are my brother, my twin. You're part of me, and if you die, so will I."_

"_Don't say that", Elros said firmly. He walked to Elrond and embraced him tightly. "You will live, find love and be happy. And I will always be there, beside you, and you can see me in my children and their children and you will know that this is how it was supposed to go. I'm not choosing death, gorgaer. I'm choosing the life and the gift Valar gave to Men. Bitter, maybe, but also sweet."_

_Elrond looked into his brothers eyes and smiled sadly._

"_You have grown, gwanor nin. If I didn't know it is you speaking like this... So, you won't change your mind?"_

"_I am sorry, Elrond, but no. All beauty must die one day, that I know now." They looked into each other's eyes for a moment. Elrond didn't understand what his brother meant, but before he had the chance to ask Elros placed a soft kiss on his forehead. "I will always love you, my brother. Namárië."_

"_Namárië, óre nin."_

_And with that, his brother turned and walked out of the room, leaving Elrond to feel like a foolish and unreasonable child. He ran to the balcony and saw Elros mounting his grey mare. There was a last, long look between the twins, and then Elros rode away. They never saw each other again..._

Elrond didn't realize he was crying until he felt the tears dropping down to his hands that were holding the banister so tightly that his knuckles were white. He released his hold and wiped the tears away, ashamed of his weakness, albeit he was alone and no one could see him, the lord of Imladris, weeping. It all had happened ages ago, and even though he had finally accepted Elros' choice, he still missed him. Elros was his twin, his other half, no matter what.

Laughter from the garden returned him to reality. He peered around and finally saw his twins, Elladan and Elrohir, walking towards the training fields, followed by Estel. His Estel, his foster son, mortal whom Elrond loved as dearly as his own children. The smile on his face faded as he stared the slowly alienating figure of Estel.

Yes, he had given his heart, and he could only fear what it would cost him. _Estel is a mortal, and he will face the same fate as Elros. Some day he will die, and I will lose him forever. He has the long life of his bloodline, the gift of Elros, but even it won't keep him with us for very long._

Once, only once had they talked of death...

"_So Ada, does it really mean that you will never die?"_

_Elrond looked gravely at his son and answered carefully: "Quite so, ion nin. Of course I could be killed by an orc or troll or someone else, but I will not grow older in the same way as Edain, and I will not die of old age."_

"_But I will? I am a human, so I'm mortal like them and I will die just like all men, won't I?" Estel's voice was more thoughtful than sad, and when he turned to face his father, there were no tears, shed or unshed, in his eyes._

"_Yes you will, ion nin. But luckily that won't happen for years to come", Elrond said, feeling that he was consoling more himself than Estel._

"_Perhaps so..." Estel sighed. "Will you grieve for me then, ada?"_

"_Of course I will! More than I can possibly even tell. You are my son, Estel."_

"_You shouldn't grieve, ada. I don't think death is the end, not in the way you elves seem to believe. I think it's just a – a beginning of a new stage, you know? Our souls leave Middle Earth, and travel beyond." Estel smiled to him solemnly. "Death is hardly the end of all things."_

"_You speak very confidently for someone of your age", Elrond said, feeling surprised. Estel shrugged his shoulders, the same graceful and yet somehow sorrowful smile playing on his lips._

"_I've known for long that I will die, ada, and I have accepted it. I am a mortal. But ada", Estel suddenly embraced him, "one lifetime can be as long as eternity. We have still time."_

"_I know, harma nin. Amin __mela__ lle." Elrond whispered to him and tried hard not to cry. Then he took a step back and pulled himself together, saying:_

"_You should go. Erestor is undoubtedly already looking for you."_

"_Erestor is __always__ looking for me, ada", Estel said with laughter in his voice, and headed to the door. There he turned around and said softly:_

"_Do not let despair overcome you, ada."_

_And Elrond stayed alone in the garden, trying not to think of Estel' s ominous words. '__I've known for long that I will die...'_

Sometimes Elrond wondered how it would happen. Would he stand by Estel's old, feeble shape and watch him taking his last breaths, or would he just some day hear that Estel was killed when hunting orcs and would receive his lifeless body, young and still beyond his reach? 

He knew that these were dark thoughts, evoked by his deepest fears and the memories of hearing of Elros' death, but still he could not quell them. _Oh Eru, spare me from this pain. Have I not already lost enough? Have I not suffered because of the so different gifts you gave to elves and to men? You blessed us with never ending lives, and Men with lives that end before they have even started, and I do no understand why you were so cruel!_

And yet he couldn't help feeling that in a way the fate of Men was more merciful than theirs. Men were allowed to die, leave this world and thus forget. But he was immortal, it had been_ his_ choice. He would dwell here for evermore, and he would remember everything, not just all the moments of joy, but also every tear, every pain, every lost and every death. He wasn't allowed to forget.

Elrond turned around and entered his bed chamber, which had felt empty ever since Estel had grown too old to nestle against him at night. Elrond had always felt that children grew up too fast, especially Estel, whose life wouldn't be long in any extend. 

There he was again, thinking about death. It felt as if his thoughts were circling around the same thing all over again, without any solution visible. Finally the loneliness and silence of the room became too much for him and Elrond left the room, knowing that he could not sleep.

Slowly Elrond walked to the Hall of Fire, where most elves of Imladris were still sitting and listening to music, this time to a mournful voice singing of Luthién, the only one they had truly lost. Elrond felt the pain caused by those words in his heart, but he kept his face clear of any feelings as he walked to his place. He sank down to his chair and closed his eyes. He hoped that nobody would come to him, as he felt it impossible to be polite and listen to anyone with their insignificant problems...

Other elves had never seen it necessary to make a lament for Elros. No one thought he had died, not the way Luthién had. They all just saw it natural, as he had chosen the life of Edain. It was his fate, his choice. No one cared to make a song of his brother... 

"_Beautiful was she, more beautiful than my dreams, when she wandered by the silvery stream..."_

And then, without even realizing it, he joined the lonely, clear voice. And though the words were for Luthién, Elrond sang for the one he had already lost and the one he would eventually lose. He sang the song as a lament for Elros and Estel... As a lament for mortality. 

TRANSLATIONS:

_Mellon nin_ My friend

_Quel esta_ Rest well

_Hannon lle_ Thank you

_Gwanor (nin)_ (My) brother

_Gorgaer _ Fearful one

_Namárië_ Farewell

_Oré nin_ My heart

_Ada _ Father

_Ion nin _ My son

_Harma__ nin _ My treasure

_Amin __mela__ lle_ I love you


End file.
